Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I enjoy the company of your penis
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
