she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is my gift to your gina
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
