Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Still dying that you shit outside
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
