tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize