im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
