I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
