First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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