just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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