this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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