Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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