he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I wish there were birth control emojis
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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