Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
