Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
