You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
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