I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
