Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When are your genitals available?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
