I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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