i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
