Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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