I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
