When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
