The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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