i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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