You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize