all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
