So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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