So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
