btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize