We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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