Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
