The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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