I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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