We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
