I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
