it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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