I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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