Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
