I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
