god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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