Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
