I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
