I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dear god my vagina.
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