please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
