I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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