once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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