Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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