dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
two words...techno handjob
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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