we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
