Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
