The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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