The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it's like iHOP with fire
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
