the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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