My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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