I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
