you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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